Why is it I have to revisit the same struggle over and over? I am bound by fear again. Not my usual terror that takes my breath away, but a clever trap big enough grab my legs and stop me from taking a step. I feel free in so many areas of my life lately, yet I have a problem–and it’s growing daily.
Many of you know I am writing a book proposal about shame. So far I’ve done all the necessary prep work and brainstorming and most of the initial writing, however as March 31st approaches–I am paralyzed. My mind is juggling high and low thoughts.
“What was I thinking? I can’t write a book. I never finished my research papers in high school.”
“If I can finish this, God gets the glory because I know my weaknesses.”
“The Lord has shown me victory in this area, I want to offer that hope to others.”
“What if my agent hates it?”
“I love to express myself through words. I can do this. In small chunks.”
“What if the idea is already written, then what?”
“I better wait, I don’t have a big enough platform for a publisher to want my work.”
“I love facing these kind of fears because God always shows up. He hasn’t failed me yet.”
“But what if I fail God?”
“Is it even possible to fail God? Doesn’t He already know the outcome?”
“The Bible says there is nothing new under the sun, so why write something new.”
“God has brought women into my life to pray for me and share their stories. That alone compels me to move forward. God is answering my prayers–and they have first and last names.”
“I am overwhelmed to the point of tears knowing God’s love for me. I want others to taste His goodness.”
Are you crazy yet? I hate to admit I am wrestling and wiggling to get out of this trap. Please pray I stand firm, kick the lies to the curb, and do the work.
Here’s what the Lord spoke to my heart this morning as I listened. It’s more direct than His voice over the weekend. I know why.
(Come, child. Be mine. Wholeheartedly devoted to me. Firm and steadfast and true. Align yourself with truth. Let go of lies. Hold onto no other gods, nothing sacred. Listen to me. Why do you doubt? Have I not proven my love and faithfulness? It’s time to stop doubting and overthinking and DO! Do the work I’ve created you to do. Carry your cross. Let no one or nothing stand in your way. I am here.)
God sees me. There’s no place to hide from His calling.
Help me, Lord. Here’s my fear, please carry it. I’m tired.
SO, I’m pretty sure that simply visiting my blog doesn’t mean you get access to my thoughts, but somehow you’ve just posted my thoughts nearly exactly. All I’ve ever wanted to do is write, but it’s the thing I’ve avoided for the past 20 years for fear of failure/success/rejection/exposing myself to criticism & judgment/finding I’m not capable… the list goes on and on. I’ve never published anything and I’m not sure I even want to. YET… God won’t leave me alone about it.
You echoed my thoughts, I’ll echo yours: “Help me, Lord. Here’s my fear, please carry it. I’m tired.”
Blessings,
Reese
The battle rages on. Glad I’m not the only one! 🙂 Hang in there, I know you will do something awesome.
Thanks for opening up your heart so completely.
Oh Tiffany,
You’ve got my prayers today, and everyday now.
After I read this I was reminded of a great quote I recently saved:
“Christ is building His kingdom with earth’s broken things. Men want only the strong, the successful, the victorious, the unbroken, in building their kingdoms; but God is the God of the unsuccessful, of those who have failed. Heaven is filling with earth’s broken lives, and there is no bruised reed that Christ cannot take and restore to glorious blessedness and beauty. He can take the life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it into a harp whose music shall be all praise. He can lift earth’s saddest failure up to heaven’s glory. –J. R. Miller
This is what God is about to do with your powerful testimony. No wonder the enemy is opposing you so strongly.
PRESS ON!!!!
I took you from the ends of the earth; from its farthest corners I called you. I said, “You are my servant.” I have chosen you and not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear. I will help you.
Isaiah 41:9-10,13
There’s no better balm for me when I start feeling inadequate than these verses. Also, do you read Victoria Gaines blog, Light for the Writer’s Soul? She often has encouraging quotes to spur writers on. I highly recommend it.
Hang in there, Tiffany. Keep plugging away.
He who calls you is faithful and he will do it. 1 Thessalonians 5:24
Fear…it is an intersting thing isn’t it.
I shared this quote with my dh today…and I feel it may encourage you as well:
S.A. Keen said,
“No desire will ever be placed in you by the Holy Spirit unless HE intends to fulfill it. So let your faith rise up and soar away to claim all the land you can discover.”
God has AMAZING things in store for you….as you take EACH step…in F-A-I-T-H!!
Kim~
i know how this feels! I’ll be praying for you!
Reading this breaks my heart. That you still suffer so.
Father God I come to you on behalf of my sister Tiffany. Lord I ask that you send out warrior angels to fight this spiritual war going on around her. I bind up these thoughts in the name of Jesus! Remind her to take them captive. I ask Lord that You place a hedge of protection around Tiffany. Lord strengthen her, allow her to feel Your strong arms around her. Give her victory in Jesus Christ. Thank-you Father for answering prayer, Thank-you for Your faithfulness. In Your Precious Son’s name Jesus Christ I pray. Amen
You can do this Tiffany. There are so many of us out there depending on your story. The battle is so hard because satan knows that captives will be set free! Big Hugs!
Hi Tiffany,
I not only read your post but I am also reading the responses. I hope that all of this prayer and support give you the confidence and the courage you need to continue with what God has called you to do. And that is the key, it is God’s calling on your life. He is getting the glory not you so don’t give up!! If you weren’t questioning yourself then you might be doing it for the wrong reasons, and if it wasn’t God’s plan then Satan wouldn’t be trying to stop you. I pray you would feel the peace of purpose and that GOd would pour blessing into your life for your obedience! I can’t wait to hear more from you!
Kelley
I remember a quote that says, “God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called.”
God has called you to write this book, and He will help you. He will even write it for you, if you are willing to let go of the fear and just start writing!
Remember, He will be there during revision, too. It doesn’t have to be perfect the first time the words meet the page. Just write. He’ll help you polish it later.
You can do this, dear sister!
–renae
I am always praying for you, you can do this my friend.
Thank you for stopping by my blog and your kind words. I clicked over to yours with my son on my lap and he said, “I like her blog! And by the sounds of this music, she’s a Christian!”
I will be back! I like your blog too!
You are right, Tiffany. He will always show up. I don’t know why we start doubting. I know what you are talking about – I have been there – stomach turning. But if we cling to Him, He will give us the strength we need. He is there with you! You can do it and meet the deadline.
Tiffany, I know your struggle and I feel your fears! The Enemy loves to take us down like this, and he’s using your shame, the very subject of your book, to do it. Take comfort in knowing that we usually can’t do good work for God without being challenged. But “The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it” (1 Thess 5:24) and “the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one” (2 Thess 3:3).
“What if my agent hates it?”
Of course you know this isn’t about your agent, it’s about you (but the fear is real, I understand). Try to replace it with the secure knowledge that your agent will help you write the book God has placed on your heart. There is no “hating it.” Your agent loves YOU and from that place, will do her best to help you write the best book you possibly can.
“I better wait, I don’t have a big enough platform for a publisher to want my work.”
Possibly, but now’s not the time to worry about it. Right now the Enemy just wants you to use it as an excuse!
“The Bible says there is nothing new under the sun, so why write something new.”
Good one! Your fears are very clever, aren’t they? I suppose we should just abolish ALL books but the Bible, since there is nothing new under the sun. Ask yourself what was Solomon’s state of mind when he wrote that. Could it be the same state of mind that caused it to write repeatedly, “Everything is meaningless”?
“If I can finish this, God gets the glory because I know my weaknesses.”
Absolutely. Rest right there. Except change “If” to “When.”
Sweetie, you are doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing… acknowledging this struggle within, and pressing forward in God’s strength. I pray He continues to bless your efforts.
Love, Your Agent
I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, verses, encouragement, and prayer over this post of mine. I wanted to delete it afterwards because I felt like I sounded crazy. Up and down. But if I did that, I would’ve missed this blessing from sisters all across the states.
Thank you to all. You touch my heart.
Hi Tiffany! There’s nothing like the grip of FEAR that takes us down a path we shouldn’t be on. We’ve taught it to our kids for years. FEAR: false evidence appearing real.
I hope the proposal process moves quickly for you and that you conquer your fear along the way!
Sounds like a much needed book to be written. 🙂 Sandy
See friend, you are not entirely alone. There are those of us that love you deeply and want to support you in your willingness to obey a God inspired book. It is exciting to know that you have been called to set the captives free! No doubt that you have challenged the enemy on one of his favorite territories: Lust and fear.
Tiffany, remember, when God has a plan, He always makes provision for His changes and can easily move to plan B,C,D,E and etc. on down the line. You get the picture. When you are attacked, rebuke the devil out loud and remind him on whose authority you stand. God loves you and He has called Heaven and Earth to help you. We all stand in awe of such a wonderful book that is being birthed. It will help many.
Love in Jesus,
Paulette
Tiffany,
I found your blog through Connie’s blog. Your heart is so beautifully displayed. I love seeing what God is doing with you.
It’s hard to step into our desires, really hard. It’s a risk. What if’s fill our minds….. I understand. It’s much easier to just live a “simple” non risking life, isn’t it? That way we never have to face our fears and take them to Papa.
I see that we like SO many of the same books.
Have you attended Captivating (you are from Colorado)? I attended Feb. 2002. Then God invited me to teach it at my church back in GA. I felt some of the same things you described in your post. What have I gotten myself into???? But I was already committed at that point…. And you know what, I LOVED it. My heart came alive in the midst. God came each and every week for 12 weeks with messages for the 25 + women attending. It was awesome.
I know He will do the same for you with every stroke of the keyboard. He will come with everything that is needed. It’s all about Him and up to Him. You are His vessel, His willing one who says, “I will risk”. You are the one throwing out the seeds, He will take them and sow them as He desires. Hold the seeds up to Him and allow Him to do with them what He wants. He sees your heart and your desire to follow Him… It is stunning.
One more thought, so that I don’t make the world record in blogging comments. Have you heard Donald Miller’s teaching on Story? It came to mind when I was reading your post. It might bless you to listen to it if you haven’t. Sounds to me like you are moving into your story.
I am new to blogging and God has already opened a door for me to write devotionals on a devotional blog twice a month. I am overwhelmed yet walking through this open door.
I hope to keep in touch with you.
Many blessings,
Julie
I’m praying for you my friend! He’s called you to this and He will see you through it. You are not alone. You’ve got Him and your rag tag sisters cheering you on.
I can so relate to the fear factor you speak of. Satan so loves to plant doubt in our hearts and minds, especially when it comes to those dreams we dare to step out and try. God has gifted you for this…it’s evident in your writing. I’ll be praying for you.
Blessings,
Tracy
Ephesians 3:16-21!