Whining Like a Child

Boy is this child theme playing its way out in my week. I’m learning I act like a toddler when I do not get my way. I kick and scream inside. I say “but, but, but.” It’s not a pretty picture.

Let me paint one for you. I recently cancelled my commitment to go to a writers conference next month. Last week the money showed up on our credit card. A nice amount, just in time for car repairs. Don’t you love how that happens? In it comes, out it goes.

In the meantime, I got an email from the Captivating conference saying there are a few openings for their retreat next weekend. My guess is the economy affected their numbers. You’d have to know how much I want to go to this to know what this email did to me. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t get picked for the lottery last fall, but I prayed that God would move mountains so I could go. This was a sign. This is what I asked for for my 40th birthday but didn’t get. Lottery closed. I eventually accepted the “no.” But deep down I held on to my desire like a pitbull, stubborn and lock jawed.

Now for the brat in me.

Remember I just got back from a women’s retreat in January. This retreat was tons cheaper and with the women from my church. It was a real gift. I used a freelance check to pay for this. No pressure on the family budget. Perfect.

So what am I doing now arguing with my husband as to why I should be able to go? I just went on a retreat. Hello! Why can’t I see that we’ve made a family commitment to be debt free? Derek’s point about our finances is valid. Especially this year with all the changes. I need to back down, but no. I whine. Why do I insist on saying that the credit card credit and the retreat fee are almost the exact amount? Why do I pull his annual hunting trip into the picture? To manipulate my way!

But isn’t this God’s way of providing and moving mountains? Not necessarily, the credit is for our car.

Bottom line is I whine like a child sometimes. I see only what I want and I throw a fit like a toddler in a grocery cart who wants candy.

What freedom it is to realize how much I NEED God to live through me every moment of my day!! Without Him, I am something I don’t want to be. Childish. Focused on me, me, and me!

I’ve come to terms another “no.” I don’t understand. I’m not sure why this is coming up right now. Obviously to show me what needs to go in my heart. I am at rest with God and in agreement with my husband. Now if it rains dollars, I’ll let you know.

A close friend offered me this wisdom after I vented: “Tiffany, you don’t have to go to this retreat to meet with God.”

AMEN..

He is my everything. I don’t need anything extra! His presence is more than enough!!

So you see, there’s a child in me. And from time to time she decides to throw a tantrum. I’ve done my time in my time out chair. Now back to acting like a big girl. 🙂