Just a quick update on me. I went to my post abortion Bible study again today. This is week three out of eight. I missed week two because my daughter was sick. I really wanted to go then. I was bummed, I missed the testimonies of the women. My favorite part. However, this week I didn’t want to go, but I did.
I’m hurting. It’s like God is peeling back another layer of my pain. And I feel like running away. Far, far away. Why? Because the reality of killing my own child kills me.
This week we had to look up our baby’s growth at the time of abortion and write down three characteristics that stood out to us. I went online and discovered what I didn’t want to find. My baby had fingerprints. This blew me away as fingerprints are unique. A way to identify someone. He or she also had irises. A heartbeat and a brain. Eyes, ears, nose. Teeth under the gums. Bones beginning to grow. Intestines. Basically it was a life. I already knew that. But this truth is hard to swallow. A layer of denial has to go. I hurt knowing I chose death. Especially since I have had two precious children since then.
Anyway, wanted to again ask for prayers. I’ve sensed God telling me he wants me to go deeper with Him. (see previous post called go deeper) And I do believe this study is part of that process. I know it won’t be easy so I am asking for prayer coverage.
To add to this, I have a lot of writing deadlines over the next few weeks. So in my weakness, I need God to be strong so that I can finish my assignments and this study. I don’t want to spiral down and stay down. Instead I want to allow the pain to come in an effort to be free. More free than I have been in eighteen years. I will praise Him in advance for his healing touch.
Thank you for pausing to pray. I appreciate all of you.
I stand on the truth. God is my comfort and healer and I am forgiven. Lord, I am so sorry for my decision to choose death. I know you have forgiven me. Please help me stand in your love and mercy as I continue down this road of healing.
“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony…” Rev. 12:11
I’m just so sorry you are hurting Tiffany. Please don’t be so hard on your self.
I know this is all part of your healing, and your testimony, but remember what happened in your past, in ALL OUR pasts, has been covered and forgiven.
I’m praying for you now~
I’m here for you…
Papa, I am asking you to cover Tiffany as she moves into those places of her past. You bring us in to remember in order to heal. Allow her to feel the depths of the balm of healing soaking down into the crevices of her soul as you remove the shards of pain and grief.
Thank you that you told the disciples that there would be mourning and grieving while the world rejoiced but to take heart that you have overcome the world. You told them of how you would come again to them and bring them a joy that no man could take away.
I believe that is what you are doing with Tiffany.
You are taking her into her grief and death in order to bring a joy that no man can take away. As she finds you in this place joy will come.
Thank you that you are taking her into a deeper remembrance in order to heal. In the process you are building a testimony of who you are in her. The scripture comes to mind of when you appeared to Mary Magdalene at the tomb, risen. She had months before been a harlot and now you chose her to appear to first after your resurrection, showing her that she was chosen and loved, restoration complete.
Thank you for your appearance to Tiffany.
We love you, Papa….
Tiffany, I am believing this is a significant time for you…one that will be a memorial, much like they had in the Old Testament. Remember how Papa would come to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob…etc and they would build an altar of remembrance, a memorial?
They wanted to remember what Papa had done in His coming to them. I believe He is coming for you like that.
Walking with you on this journey.
Love to you,
Julie
I am praying precious sister. This may seem too trite and you already know this but I am going to say it to you anyway because I love you so much.
You are so loved and forgiven by your Father and Jesus who died for you. If there is a tiny chance that you are still having trouble forgiving yourself. Ask Jesus to help you. He knows and wants you to.
I am and will continue to lift you to the Father’s arms for full healing as you move forward.
I applaud your bravery for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable to all of us.
Love,hugs, and blessings your way.
Paulette Harris
Tiffany,
Thank you for sharing this with us and giving us the privilege to uphold you in prayer…it is an honor.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you.
~ Isaiah 26:3
Father, please surround this precious one with your unfailing love, your strength and your comfort. The journey she is on right now is a difficult and painful one. There is also fear. Fear of being overwhelmed by her grief. Lord, as you beckon and as she dares to walk this road, keep her thoughts fixed strongly on You. Equip her with a strength beyond anything she’s ever known, to hold tightly to You every step of the way. I pray that at the end of this journey, may she experience the unmistakable joy of knowing you more deeply than ever before.
I thank you for the example of her gracious and yielded heart.
“Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our Savior,who alone is wise, be glory and majesty,dominion and power,both now and forever. Amen.” ~Jude 1:24
I cannot imagine your exact pain. I will be praying for you. There is no condemnation for you my friend. I know you have those words memorized in your head and I am praying that your heart will embrace them.
I believe the Lord forgave you the day you confessed this and asked for forgiveness. I hope the class will give you closure to this. It was all done at the cross
God loves you sis, I am praying His comfort over you.
That is a tough exercise to go through. Our heavenly Father will use this to heal all the broken pieces of your heart back together. And He is faithful to wipe away all tears. He loves you and forgives you completely. I know you know that.
I’m praying for you.
Tiffany,
I am praying for you! Forgiving ourselves AND accepting God’s forgiveness can be so hard. It goes back to feeling unworthy, but none of us are worthy. Everyone has done things that separated them from God’s love and no one’s is worse than the other. It is hard to face who you WERE, but you will be fuller of God’s grace than ever before at the end. That is when you will really be able to touch people, whether they have walked in your shoes or not.
I could write so much more, but I need to do some things around the house.
Hugs to you, sweet friend!
Stephanie
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
All things, Tiffany. ALL THINGS. Even the worst thing we can think of, because God is bigger than even that.
This is my first time to your blog, but I am praying for you with love.