Depression sucks. I hate it when I struggle. Truth is last year was one of the hardest I’ve had in over a decade. For a number of reasons I fell prey to a dark depression and it took the life right out of me. Logically I know ways to combat depression, but that doesn’t make it easier when I feel like crap (yes, I said crap).
Stress.
Low energy.
Physical pain.
Negative mindset.
Wanting to be alone.
Eating sugar, sugar, sugar.
No interest in things I once loved.
Feeling like I will be judged if I admit I’m stuck.
Feeling like a spiritual failure for finding myself in a dark pit again.
Funny thing is I’m an open book about a lot of things like my past abortion and sexual abuse, but when I feel vulnerable from depression I choose to hide. One reason is because I don’t want to feel like a project to be fixed. I don’t want pity. And I definitely don’t want to be the center of negative attention or gossip.
I just want to be loved as I am: depressed, which is hard to admit as someone who loves to encourage and motivate and inspire others. Hello hypocrisy. 🙂 It’s crazy to know I can give to the world but not to myself sometimes. I am hopeless to fight my own battles. And I tend to hide from good intentioned Christians who I know will dish out plates full of biblical nutrition in an effort to help me. I know that may good food, but I can’t handle that much at once. I need to start slow. Spoonfuls not platefuls please. I need to know I’m worth just sitting in silence with. I need lots of laughter and grace. Most of all, I need unconditional love. Never condemnation.
So why am I saying all of this today? I don’t know. Maybe because I feel like I’ve turned a healthy corner. Praise God! Or that I can finally be real again. Or maybe it’s time I give back out of my recent dark experience.
So what one thing makes depression last?
Darkness, without a doubt, dwelling in darkness. And by darkness I mean dark thoughts. Chronic dark thinking leads to depression, which then leads to doom and gloom. I know this because of my own experience. During my bout with depression, I thought of a lot of creative ways I could escape life. Disappear. Run away. Be gone. None of my ideas were light, nope, all were dark. It’s humbling to admit this but it’s true. And if the truth sets us free then I will speak truth.
I no longer feel depressed, thank goodness. I still feel somewhat fragile at heart, but not depressed. So what’s the difference?
Light!!
1/2. Thinking and living light. Light on myself, as in gentle, not so hard or critical. No more beat up Tiffany sessions. Instead I’m focusing on self care and trying not to feel selfish for “me time”. (most moms relate) I’m intentionally caring for myself as I would my own children. Eating healthy foods, exercising light, thinking light. I’m taking pictures, writing my daily thanks and meeting with a couple friends again. I’m dreaming and creating just because I can. Bottom line is I am no longer depraving or punishing myself. I’m being good to myself. I’m living light and I can feel the difference.
3. Looking for Light. I’m living in God’s presence, allowing Him to become the light of my life again. Mediating on Truth, which is a healing, bright light.
I’m loved regardless.
I’m accepted regardless.
I’m chosen, adopted, redeemed.
I’m already forgiven.
I’m set apart for a good God-given purpose.
I’m fighting back through praise, confessing my sins, admitting my desperate need, and asking for God’s Spirit to help me. I can’t do life in my own strength, so why I keep trying is beyond me? I’m leaning on God instead of my own flawed understanding. I’m keenly aware–all over again–of the battle of the mind and the spiritual battle. I’m speaking scripture out loud instead of dwelling in Darkville. Because the truth is, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper,” Isaiah 54:17.
Three tips for fighting a dark depression:
* think light
* live light
* seek Light
Question for you: What helps you get out of a depression? Please share in comments OR reply to this email (subscribers).
I have a good mentor and a close friend that I can talk to about when the enemy attacks me in various forms and angles. They are usually able to speak life, wisdom and revelation. Delighting myself in the Lord is important. That can be something like art journaling. Listening to various YouTube videos helps such as Mike Bickle’s Song of Solomon series and Todd White & Dan Mohler’s Power & Love series. Those preachers had an emphasis on love that can get me out of a funk. Henry Nouwen’s book called the Inner Voice of Love and Sarah Young’s devotional called Jesus Calling are also helpful. Sometimes women lose themselves in their relationships with others and need to go back to enjoying what they enjoy instead of always pleasing and taking care of others and turning into a dish rag. Ditch the guilt and love yourself as you would your neighbor.
I agree with all your examples. Thanks for sharing your ideas and tools of help. I do lots of listening to YouTube videos (daily) and I own both of those books. Love them both. I actually am using the desktop calendar of Jesus Calling this year. It’s in my kitchen to read with my morning coffee. It’s weird to know that even with a daily dose of Truth and lots of prayers that the battle of the mind is still on. His grace is sufficient for today, right?
Thank you for this post. It couldn’t have come at a better time for me. For me, reading the truth of God’s Word, out loud, so that it sinks deep into my Spirit, helps me climb out of the pit in despair.
Sending a hug to you, Barbie. I need to visit your site and see what’s new with you. I miss seeing your God-centered artwork.
Barbie, I love knowing God’s timing was perfect for you. I hope you are focusing and repeating out loud this week who you are IN Christ. Beloved. Redeemed. Friend. (hugs)
I’ve struggled with periods of depression and you’re right it’s a very self-centered malady. There is strange comfort in wallowing in self-pity! Even thought it feels impossible (but anything is possible with God) I do unto others – I just do something for someone else to get out of my own head. It doesn’t solve the problem but it helps a little. As Jesus heals me from past wounds, the depressive episodes are less and lighter.
I do agree that helping others helps us bounce out of depression. I do that too and it feels good to be a blessing. But I will also say as someone who gives to everyone else easier than I do to myself, there is a time to tend to just me and allow Jesus to minister to my needs. For me, it’s determining through prayer what God is inviting me to do. Help others. Or allow Him to help me.
Wow! I too suffered with major depression last year and for very similar reasons as you shared. One of the biggest lies of depression is that we are all alone. Thank you for sharing this and helping me to see that I am not alone.
You are not alone even though it feels like it. I often feel vulnerable after writing posts like this (like people will think I am such an emotional mess) but then I realize what I am going through helps others. Sharing is caring, or so I’ve heard. I hope you have a bright day!
I understand what you mean about feeling vulnerable after a post like this. Before the major episode of depression last January, I also had a blog. I also started writing a book about my healing journey from childhood abuse. I have not been able to go back to doing either yet. As you mentioned in this post, I am no longer depressed or have symptoms of depression but I still feel like my heart is fragile. I do believe with time I will find the courage to write again an allow myself to feel vulnerable. For now, I’m just taking it one moment at a time and learning to take real good care of myself as I do my husband and children. I hope your day is bright as well!
I am so glad you are being sensitive to your own heart. When we are fragile, I believe it’s so important not to overdo it.
Father God, comfort your precious daughter in her time of need. Continue to be the healing balm of her life. Restore what was stolen from her childhood. Give her hope and a renewed purpose this year. Thank you for upholding us during our season of depression. Today is a new day so we rejoice knowing Your grace is sufficient and Your love is endless. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.