Living Out a Death Sentence

Life is short and then you die.

A hard truth, right? Our life is short and one day we will all die. No one is spared from an expiration date. Some are taken far too young for what we feel is right. And when that happens we question the goodness of God. If God is good then why does death steal our babies and toddlers? Why me? Why now? Why?

I don’t have clear answers, only more questions.

The truth is we are all living out a death sentence, whether we are sitting on death row, diagnosed with stage 4 cancer or preparing for our first child.

I’m going to die.

You’re going to die.

We’re all going to die.

Sounds like a eerie cheer-leading chant to me..

Dying is part of life, and for many of us, it’s the part we prefer to ignore.

But what if focusing on our ending helped us start a new beginning?

What if imagining our memorial service leads to us to really living?

As someone who used to be terrified of dying, I’ve spent many days and nights imagining my demise. And as a lifelong procrastinator, it’s been easy for me to put off living until tomorrow. And in doing so, I’m in my mid-40s with regrets, too much clutter, projects never started, and lifelong dreams unfulfilled.

So what am I waiting for anyway? Why can’t I get out there and really L-I-V-E? What is stopping me?

As I’m processing how to start really living, I see a love affair with fear that is getting in the way…

Fear of being judged or criticized or rejected.

Fear of failure.

Fear of not being talented enough.

Fear of not being unique enough.

Fear of missing my high-in-the-sky mark of excellence.

Fear of success(if it comes) and how it will change life.

Fear of missing what God had for me.

Fear of being seen as I am: insecure and mostly introvert, needy, marred and flawed.

Fear is my slow death sentence. Every morning I take swallow its poison and I feel the ache deep in my bones. I’m dying, I can feel it. I feel disillusioned, discouraged and defeated. Some days I want to die already because it’s easier than looking at my life un-lived.

The truth is I’m dying to live again. Here. Now. In front of others and not caring anymore. Like a child full of wonder and curiosity. Before God, my creator, and for His smile and His glory.

Fear, it’s over. I never really loved you. I’m done with your games. You’ve taken me down the wrong road for far too long. Sure, I’m tired and beaten down, but I will wipe off your dust and stand again. I’m not sure what made me believe you in the first place. Probably because you promised me safety and I wanted that more than I wanted life. After all, I’ve been hurt and lied to and rejected, but you aren’t safe anymore. You keep me from really living. Fear, I’ll start digging your grave because you’re the one dying now. I’ve got one life to live and His name is Jesus..

(Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me where True Life and living is really found. In You and You alone. Oh, how easily I forget..Keep pursuing me because I’m prone to wander. Love, your free bird.)

Every man dies.  Not every man really lives.  ~Braveheart

Dream as if you’ll live forever.  Live as if you’ll die today.  ~James Dean

The important thing is not how many years in your life but how much life in your years. ~Edward J. Stieglitz

Regret for wasted time is more wasted time.  ~Mason Cooley

Lost time is never found again.  ~Benjamin Franklin

We are always getting ready to live but never living.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21