(WARNING: NOT family-friendly because of nature of topic. Approx. 1100 words, too long for most blog posts. I feel led to write regardless of its length. Thank you for understanding.)
My daughter turned thirteen last week. The day after her big party I met a friend for coffee and cried. Not just any cry, the ugly cry. Not because Hannah was a teenager but because my girl was the age I was when I was sexually abused. It’s a flashback seeing your child the age when my life changed forever.
As many of you know, I’ve been asking God for healing for another wound of my heart. I’ll finally ready to share another part of my life story. Not to glorify me or for your pity, I don’t want pity. I share so the enemy no longer has ground over my heart here. Instead I share so God can use my story for His glory.
Mind if I take you back with me to a day when I was thirteen.
The phone rings, I answer it. “Hello.”
“Is this Tiffany?”
“Yes, it is.”
This unknown caller invited me to a modeling opportunity. I can’t believe it. How did he know I dreamed of a day like this. He assured me a few of my classmates had already participated and they gave him my number. I wasn’t sure I believed him but I was excited about the possibility. When he asked me to meet him in person, I asked if I could invite a friend. He said, “sure.”
When the time arrived, my friend and I peddled our bikes to the grocery store(the place he asked us to meet) and waited. An older man approached us and invited to his car. After my friend and I hopped in the back seat, he drove us around to the back of the building. Why are we parking where no one can see us?
Then he handed us a deck of cards. “These are the type of pictures I take.”
My friend and I looked at the stack of spades, clubs, diamonds, and hearts. Nude women were in the center of each card.
Now what? We froze. After being driven a couple miles away, we followed him up to the second story of a stucco building. No one around again. Vacant. On the balcony he told us what to do. We obeyed. With his Polaroid, he took a picture of us half dressed. Then he asked me to take pictures of him. With my friend.
I wanted to scream and run, but instead I cooperated. Terrified, I listened, focused in and pressed the button when he said so. The undeveloped pictures fell one by one. Minutes later graphic images appeared. My sweet friend lost her virginity. I died inside.
Soon after we got back into his car. He drove up to an ATM, got cash out and handed us several tens and twenties. Are you kidding me? This is no modeling job. You can’t even imagine what I thought of his money. I was undone with emotions but stayed calm. I wanted to know if my friend was okay. I needed to talk to her alone.
When I asked about what he was going to do with our pictures, I didn’t believe his answer. I feared being exploited even more.
My solution: Stay out of the public limelight. Hide. Forever hide. Or someone will find out who you really are.
For the next several weeks my phone rang. More haunting invitations to make money. My answer, “no way.”
Memories of this day changed my heart. I suffered with shame and survivor guilt. Feeling false responsibility as the photographer. Hating myself for desiring to be seen as beautiful and wanting riches. Feeling horrible for saying yes to a stranger’s phone call. Sick over being paid for the unthinkable. All of this was too much for a 13 year-old to handle. I never told my parents until years later. I was afraid of what they would think of me.
Why do I tell you my story? Because I believe someone out there is stuck and needs healing and freedom.
God is calling me(the once-silent-terrified teenager) to be a voice to the voiceless. I weep with those trafficked and those sexually abused. I cry over ALL injustice for that matter. The poor, homeless, and the sick. The lonely widow and the forgotten orphan. The mom who chose abortion over life. I’ve been there. The parent who lost a child. I care about the spiritual welfare of people. I long to see boys and girls, men and women walking in dignity and living free.
The truth is we all suffer on some level. Another truth is all need the love of a Savior.
I still don’t understand why this happened. I’m still healing and allowing God full access to this wound. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t need to understand. It’s the past. It wasn’t my fault. I did the best I could to survive. So did my friend. We were just kids.
I cling to the truth from Joseph’s life in the Word.
“What the enemy intended for my harm, God will use for good.”
I live to stand up, speak up, and reach out to those suffering. I have a huge heart for those trapped. Or ashamed. Broken. Bruised. Afraid. Oppressed. Those who feel like there is no hope.
I’ve been there. And I’ve found lasting hope. Hope through my relationship with Christ. Hope through the Word. I know the love and healing of Jesus. I’ve seen what God has done to rescue and redeem my life. Over and over again He transforms the worst parts of me. I’ve seen God use my pain to help others. TO GOD BE THE GLORY.
It doesn’t make sense that something so evil could ever be used for good. But that’s what I’m believing.
Right now I invite all the silent, exploited hearts to come to the feet of Jesus. It’s Him who sets the captive free. Not me. He’s waiting and willing to wash your wounds. He’s whispering sweet love. It’s God alone who is the my greatest comforter, not anyone else. His Word rinses away my ugly. His Word reminds me of who I really am. Chosen. Beloved. Forgiven and loved.
God has redeemed my lens. He’s gifted me to be photographer who sees HIM and HIS BEAUTY every day.
He has redeemed my silence by gifting me to speak and write for HIS GLORY.
Full circle healing. Bring it on, LORD.
God sets no limitations on His redeeming love. He extends love to ALL. He longs to redeem ALL.
You included.
For months now I’ve been praying for God to show me what to do with my story. It’s been front and center for many reasons. Today He led me to share here. As far as what tomorrow brings, I have ideas but no clear “this is the way, walk in it.”
Until I know the way I will answering God’s daily call. He’s got good news to share.
Today is another step in HIS direction.
Today I surrender ALL.
Will you?
***If you need support or prayer, please email me. I am willing to share my story verbally if it will help someone else. I am creating a list of sexual abuse healing resources to share on my resources link. Or if you already have a list of links, please email me. I’d love to use them.
Tiff. Oh girl. Yes, I remember you sharing your story with me–but knowing how your daughter's birthday affected you…and the painful reminders brought a pure gush of tears just now. Barely seeing through them, I type.
God has SO much for you to do–as you have obediently walked—with suitcase in hand….out on shame.
Remember that? Remember the day I wrote you and told you this?
Keep walking. With each and every step you take, freedom from it all is yours to claim.
You don't have to post this–this was for you. I love you dearly my friend. Always. Thank you for opening your heart and life…and showing the world what JESUS does!
Somehow I felt your huge sigh of relief in the writing and the telling. Somehow we all need to be the voices that tell the story (ours) and THE STORY (the gospel) to the broken and the bruised.
Sometimes this means taking it to the lost and sometimes this means taking it to the pew.
You are brave, beautiful and branching out to take back the captive. Go. Speak. Rescue. Rejoice.
Tiffany,
Thank you so much for your heart-felt honesty in opening up your life and showing us the painful parts of your life.
I truly believe that God uses time like these to reach out to those who don't think Christians can understand their hurts or pains because of people in the past judging them when they did confess what has happened.
May God anoint you in a mighty way to bring down the barriers to pain so that others may be healed by your words and feel compelled to reach out to you for healing as well as the God who understands, loves and offers us the grace to endure it all.
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
Tiffany,
Thank you for sharing this. It is the truth that sets us free! I pray that this is used to set many captives free in the precious name of Jesus. I especially love how HE has restored your picture taking! That is incredible and is so like Him! He does restore full circle. What an awesome God we serve and how blessed we are to know him and to be able to fellowship with one another. Thanks for your obedience and courage! There is NO CONDEMNATION for those in Christ Jesus…none! 🙂
Much love,
Krista
You know I walk with heart agreement with you as one who was violated for many years throughout my childhood into my teens. We've shared the story of abortion and the forgiveness and healing that has come through the grace of GOD.
Our hearts are one and I love you.
The sharing of your heart in this will be used of GOD to set someone free; to cause someone to come to Christ's love and healing including Christians who don't feel worthy.
So thankful for the healing and wholeness in Christ.
Praying for you…
Please pray for me…I often feel alone in the struggle for complete freedom and wholeness from the past pain. Thank you for being there in the words you share here…
Love you.
Tiffany, All the hosts of Heaven are rejoicing now as you have opened your heart and shared healing. Giving God the glory and allowing Him to use your story.
Thank you for your openness…I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse…a much different story…but healed by Jesus just the same.
You are a Hero in many lives today.
I will be praying as God opens numerous doors for you to share!
Blessings to you – xoxoxo
Cindy
Thank you all for your loving, freeing comments.
NEED TO SHARE THIS VIDEO:
God's timing is amazingly perfect. I found this video after I posted this part of my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo5USQIM9ck
This is to MOTHER YOU.
13.
I survived.
Praise the LORD…
Unthinkable. I can't help wondering, how does a man justify that in his mind?
What a horrible tragedy that God has turned (&continues to turn) to good. Thank you for sharing and I will continue to pray that your story touches many lives to bring them to lasting freedom in Christ. Blessings…
Tiffany,
GOD is amazing in how HE works in and through our hearts. HE prepares us for "spilling over" in HIS time. HIS timing is perfect! You have a beautiful heart and praise GOD HE has chosen to continue using you in all our lives.
Hugs,
andrea
Good afternoon Tiffany and know that my prayers are with you. Your courage will surely help your daughter as she journey's in her own path. Oftentimes, we don't know why and then we have kids who grow up and we see why.
There are several types of abuse in my family's past and I for one have surrendered my guilt and shame to Jesus as you've done.
I didn't know why at the time and I certainly didn't think that GOD was there during the awful experience, but He was and sustains me today. His love and comfort somehow makes the abuse seem as if it actually happened to someone else… if that makes sense.
My heart and prayers are with you as you continue on your journey to help others heal and share their pain and survivor stories.
It did not seem as though your story was long. As I began to read, I could envision your lost youth and as it was coming to an end, I see the woman you are today smiling and praising our Savior. What a testimony!
Love, peace and blessings
China
It all started at a tender early age for me. I was almost 4 yrs old. My mom and dad had gotten divorced after their almost 4 yrs of fighting with each other. It's quite traumatic to see your mother draw a hug machete knife on your dad and threaten to kill him. That image was burned into my mind. Soon mom remarried a man. My step-father came to me when I was alone… nobody else around and made me touch him intimately. He said it was our secret not to tell or I'd get into trouble. This went on for 8 yrs. His level of sexual encounters evolved over those years into more intimate situations. At one point he involved one of my sisters in on the encounter taking us together into the bathroom. When we moved 1/2 way across the country to live I was 12 yrs old. I simply told him to get away from me and not to touch me again… I made sure I was very loud. He freaked out and never touched me again… but… he went after my younger sisters. I couldn't prove anything. I was too busy not being at home to avoid him. On top of that… my mother was emotionally and verbally abusive… like I said… I was too busy not being at home to avoid them both. When I graduated I was so glad to get out of that house. The problem is… my mother was glad for me to be gone and told me not think about coming back home.
I've come to terms with all of this. I've forgiven everyone and moved on. I feel like I'm still healing. I don't know that one is every completely healed. God uses all of this for His glory helping others to reach a point to start healing.
Thank You Father for Your Grace, mercy and forgiveness along with Jesus Salvation. Praise You God.
Thank you so much for sharing your painful story. You are helping so many with your transparency and message of hope and healing in Christ.
Elizabeth
http://www.justfollowingjesus.com
Let the HEALING CONTINUE & FLOW from His throne to you and all the others!
GREAT VIDEO to drive home the point! Try to embed it still it will be worth it!
Bless you Tiffany for opening this up and speaking forth the Truth that one more may be set free.
In this day and age, it is so prevalent. I remember when my daughter turned 13 that I was jolted back to my past. I also am very much aware that this game of
the seducer/perpetrators is even more prevalent because of internet and tech available. This is how sexual abuse becomes far worse and internetted to others like them, using the sex trafficked victims for more perversion. I'm angry about all that is happening & BORN2FLY Project is one that wants to do something to open eyes to this as so many others. But it's victims standing up & saying NO MORE, people who know the pain, the wounds, the hurts ACTing & sharing so others can learn and DO something. We can no longer sit back and let anyone's innocence be stolen. This Tiffany is the way we fight back for the VOICELESS, for those who do not have the victory in Jesus yet! Bless you! Bless you…bless your boldness, and your heart!
May you stepping up and sharing this, touch lives, heal lives, and
break forth the healing & awareness for all of us, stirring us to ACT!
We cannot be SILENT any longer while others continue to suffer injustices as the hands of sexual predators. As you can tell I have strong feelings about this!
Praise God for the beautiful verses that you share to help bring freedom in Christ, and no more condemnation, guilt or shame but the strength to BE FREE in JESUS!
May God use every word written here for His Glory! Continue forth! I love you and your healing is wonderful. Now may others find this
I have a similar story Tiffany. You know one in three girls are abused before the age of 18. Thanks for your bravery…there is so much shame that causes people to keep quiet.
I have worked with adult survivors for years in my private counseling practice and doing group support through an organization called WINGS.
Your Colorado readers might be interested to know that Marilyn Van Derbur will be speaking at fundraiser for WINGS on October 1st. She is a remarkable speaker and if you haven't read her book Miss America by Day you should. If interested, go to wingsfound(dot)org and look under events.
The price is a little high but so worthwhile. Just to hear Marilyn speak and to give to such an incredible organization.
Thank you for sharing your powerful story. No wonder you are having a hard time. I am going through something very similar myself. I'll be praying for you. ((((H))))))
Blessings,
Jan
I agree with Cindy…you are a hero of the very best kind…a hero that speaks for those who are afraid to speak…and a light at the end of the darkest tunnel…and directing those who travel that tunnel to the one true Source of Hope and Freedom…I believe when you clicked the "post" button…He stood up and proclaimed…She's my daughter"….
What the enemy intended for my harm, God will use for good.”
amen amen amen Genesis 50:20…When I have been lead by the Lord to share my story, like you mentioned, I didn't want their pity,or for me to be glorified, but to show others..what Satan had used for harm, God has used for good. He has brought young ladies to my path, sharing their pain (sometimes for the first time) and I in turn share mine, letting them know that God IS good,,,and He DOES heal all wounds…I pray for those that the Lord leads here to read this, and to find His balm of Gilead!!
ydri
i'm so sorry you were hurt like that.
it was very brave of you to trust us.
Hi Tiffany,
I'm so very thankful that the Lord rescued you from the tyranny of this abusive experience; so many young girls and boys remain silent because of fear.
I pray that through your voice God reaches their pain, bringing healing and encouragement to face those shadows that haunt them.
I'm a man but I feel a sense of shame that some of my gender have exploited and abused others to gratify themselves. There is no pleasure in inflicting pain.
I really appreciate you my sister.
Blessings and peace.
MTJ
Tiffany,
Thank you so much for the bravery and the triumph that comes with this post. Amen, Jesus.
~ Wendy
I'm so glad you posted this…all 1,100 words of it. Your story aches with pain yet reveals such redeeming beauty. Your testimony points all who wear shame to the only source of restoration—Jesus. God is doing a beautiful work in you and through you. Keep following hard after Him.
Love and prayers,
Kelli
Thank you for sharing your painful story.
Bless you sis for sharing your heart. Because of you, others will get help. I love you dearly.
Oh Tiffany,
You have poured out your heart to us. I know God has great things for you… MORE than you can ask or imagine. You are beautiful. (There is not a chicken bone in you girl! 🙂 May God continue to use your life for His glory. B
Tiffany,
I am so glad you found freedom to share this part of your story. I have really been praying for you. Going through sexual abuse in my past–and carrying around that shame for years–I know how hard it is to share but also know how freeing it is to share when God leads…and to use it for His glory.
Genesis 50:20 has become one of my favorite verses…the driving force behind my ministry (and even the name of my blog). However, the last part of it is what has come to impact me the most. After Joseph says that God intended for good what man intended for evil, he goes on to say, "for what is now being done, the saving of many lives." God does want to use our pain for good…He intended it that way. But not just for our own good. It is for what He is NOW able to do through us because of what we went through…the saving of many lives…bringing others to find healing in Him.
I'm praying you will follow and obey your Abba Father as He completes His perfect healing in you, turning every scar (that is a result of evil) into a beautiful character mark that He can use to bring others to their own salvation and healing in Him.
Debbie
PS And I'm still praying for you to write that book too.
I believe God will use you and your story to turn victims to victors!
May the LORD continue to bless and heal you!
~Kathy
You're right, Tiffany. God has and is healing you. I'm privileged that he allowed me teeny part in it when I asked you about sex abuse and abortion on my radio show and you were all nerves and I was praying for you and everyone in the chat room of blog talk radio.
To God be the glory,
Lucy
Very courageous. God bless you. You have immense ministry to offer many people.
What a powerful powerful story. You know,things happen to kids that should never be. As you read my post, you know things happen to me also. I met this man called Jesus,and He's the very best thing that has ever happen to me. I know that it was hard to write about that awful time in your life, and your friends life but, to God be all the glory. People that prey on kids are just sin sick, and full of the devil, but they need a Savior also.Bless you for sharing your most trying time, Lets please pray for them. God bless
My heart hurts for those two wounded teenage girls. You are so courageous to share your story and I know it's going to touch many.
Tiffany –
I cannot even begin to say how sorry I am that any woman has had to endure something like what you have had to endure.
As a man, I feel that men, fathers, brothers, cousins, or whoever we are, we have failed the women in our lives. All I can say is praise God for Jesus Christ, the One who bore our sins and the Bible says by His wounds we are healed.
I know this evil exists, and unfortunately Satan will use this and other forms of sexual immorality to ruin lives. To make us feel guilty, worthless, dirty, and unworthy of salvation (note "feeling"). But God says otherwise.
I have no real words of wisdom. But through my wife, we know a missionary's wife who has a blog and she partners with someone or someones that run a blog together that helps sort out God's heart in this matter.
Her blog is:
http://momsministryandmore.blogspot.com/
And the blog she partners with is:
http://www.addingzest.net/
I hope these resources will help some of your readers connect with other women who are searching together Scripture for correct understanding and healing.
God bless and may the Lord continue to bring healing and comfort to you in this area of your life.
Tiffany, thank you so much for your boldness to share your story.
I didn’t know it was Human Trafficking Awareness Day. I’ve been in some beginning talks with a local pastor about what we (his congregation, community members who care) can do about trafficking in our area. We’re rural and there’s not a strong police presence, so people from the US and other countries are trafficked along our interstate and truck stops. It’s a sad state, and it’s hard not to feel helpless.
We know where our hope is and where our help comes from! Let’s stay prayerful together.
Again, thank you.
Thank you, Nicole. I am sorry to hear about the trafficking in your rural area. I am thankful you are being proactive on this issue. We must stand together. Together in action and prayer.
You brave, courageous woman! I’m so saddened by your exploitation. I’m so glad for your freedom. God will use you to boldly speak truth and healing into the life of other survivors.
peace~elaine
Thank you, Elaine. I appreciate your love and kindness. xo