What I’m Learning Through a Season of Defeat

Confession: I’ve spent the better part of this year with a bad attitude. Stressed from money going out the window. Overwhelmed by our remodeling mess. Mad at myself for being so indecisive. Tired. Disillusioned, defeated, and discouraged. Impatient, irritated and often critical. Isolated on purpose. Wanting to run away from everyone and disappear forever.

Over the past six months, I’ve stumbled in my faith and it hasn’t been pretty. This stumble came up out of the blue and caught me off guard. Scary to know I’m prone to darkness after years of following the light.

Sure, I’ve had good days, laughs, joy, and a even positive attitude from time to time, but as a whole, I really struggled. I struggled to love. I’ve struggled to give. I struggled to believe God’s Word. I even struggled to get out of bed.

But thank God, I’m slowly finding hope again.

It’s humbling to admit this because I know better. After all, I’m a Christian speaker and a life coach. But just like everyone I sin and think dark thoughts. This kind of mental torment is not new to me. I used to live in darkness and no matter what I did, I believed the worst about myself. It’s a sick cycle of hopelessness. It’s plain ole’ shame rearing its ugly head again.

Hopelessness and shame are real issues, even for Christ followers. They are robbers of the worst kind because they steal our hope and dignity. And without hope and dignity, life is not worth living.

But with hope and dignity, I can wake up each morning and live, right?

So what has changed in recent weeks to help me with my negative mindset?

Well for one, I’m trying to be gentle with myself again. My natural tendency is to implode and beat myself up. So when I want to criticize myself, I stop and remember God’s mercy. Because I’m tired of listening to the enemy’s condemnation.

For two, I remember one of my greatest passions: Dignity. A word I highly value and believe. Dignity is found when I accept the truth of who I am in Christ. All. Over. Again. Every day, all the time because I need it more than I need anything else. The truth is I am somebody special because God says I am.

Three,  I change my focus. I’m choosing to focus on something other than me right now. Instead I’m focusing on what matters most, so that everything else fades into the background. I’m refocusing and reframing my life in truth and truth alone.

So what is my focus? Well, it can’t be me or my mess anymore. It has to be G-O-D again. He’s bigger and stronger and wiser than I am. He’s perfect. He’s all love. And I need Him desperately!

And who am I compared to God? I’m weak and small.  I’m imperfect and fickle with my love. But I’m all His. Safe and sound. Secure. He calls me His beloved, even with my bad attitude. This truth wrecks me something good.

It’s amazing to consider: Me, the one who is prone to wander, is part of something bigger, something beautiful, something everlasting. I’m God’s precious and beloved daughter. And when I stumble, He invites me to get back up and dance. And once again, I stand right where I belong.

Picture the dance.

A daddy and his girl facing each other. The daughter steps up on top of her daddy’s shoes. They hold hands. Imagine big hands completely covering her small ones. The girl plays her small part: hold on, trust and let her daddy dance. He steps with rhythm and intention.

His girl planted firmly on His feet, her daddy’s feet. Ready for the dance of her life. Smiling. Anticipating. Even giggling.

And when she falls off, what does her daddy do?

He stops and waits until she steps up again. He grabs her hands–and they dance.

Because that’s what daddies do best. They dance with their daughters. Feet on feet, hand in hand, face to face.

Amazing grace, amazing love.

And oh, how I hope you will dance! Because I am. Can you see my smile?

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24