Five weeks into my post-abortion Bible study, I feel sorrow. I told a friend today, “I want freedom enough to bear the pain.” It’s one thing to deal with the fact of what I’ve done, accept God’s forgiveness, forgive myself, and move on. It’s another thing to deal with the reality of taking a life with a name.
In this study, we’ve been asked to name our baby/babies. Through my prayers, God spoke. And I did not like his answer. He told me it was a baby girl. And the hardest part is hearing her name. Grace. I hold out my hand and imagine her beauty resting in my palm. She would have been about an inch long. A real baby. Precious.
At first I thought I was making up the name Grace because it’s too perfect and spiritual. But as I’ve begged God to rename her, the name remains. It’s not because of the hidden meaning behind it, it’s because she is beautiful. Grace is a name I melt over. But one I wouldn’t have ever picked. I don’t want her to have a beautiful name. I want her to have an ugly name, or better yet, remain nameless. Weird, I know. But that’s the truth. To know I gave up my baby Grace takes my breath away. I hate it. I want her back. I hurt inside knowing she was so perfect, innocent, pure and full of life.
Yet I find comfort knowing Grace is with God in heaven. Waiting for me, her mom. Her mom who rejected her. She isn’t upset. She loves me. This blows me away. Deep inside, I believe this is true. I know that I know she is safe and content. She is complete in her glory. She is with her creator, her Abba Father. As for her earthly mother, I will always have a tender place in my heart for Grace.
I am so sorry, Grace. I can’t wait to someday hold and kiss you. I love you.
The memorial service is May 17th. Please pray as I prepare my heart. Pray for the two other gals too. I plan to bring my husband and two children. No one else. I feel led to have it intimate. Just my immediate family.
I’d appreciate prayers as I create some sort of memory for her.
Thank you.
(Would somebody again tell me why abortion is legal in our nation?)
Tiffany~I will be praying for you.
Bless your dear heart. Wish I could give you a great big hug. I am lifting you up, asking God to give you strength during this time. I love you my friend.
Hugs to you Tiffany,
I know this is hard…
I am so sorry.
Hugs,
Julie
Tiffany, it sounds like you are taking healing steps. Meeting Grace one day will be a beautiful reunion! Praying for you!
Wow, Tiffany. Thanks for sharing your heart. I will be praying.
Tiffany,
Be assured of my prayers as you take this next step in your road to healing. Thanks for your willingness to reveal these ponderings of your heart. May God wrap you in a loving embrace as you prepare and take part in the memorial.
Blessings, dear one.
Tracy
Wow…what a powerful testimony you have. I will be praying for you.
You too are embracing Grace, my friend. I will be with you in spirit on May 17th.
Praying precious sister.
We did something similar for John and it touched many.
We admire your honesty and courage to move forward in this.
We Love you.
Jim and Paulette Harris
I wish more then ever I could be there with you on May 17th…
I would pray and I would hug you, and cry with you too.
As painful as this is, I know you are getting closer and closer to your complete healing Tiffany.
God is using your testimony to reach so many others. My life has been deeply touched by it.
I pray God will continue to strengthen you in your weakness.
Love you♥
PS Love the name, truly it is by HIS GRACE you have been redeemed~
Tiffany,
I know Papa will be there in your midst hugging you tight, meeting you right in the place you need to be met. I was just thinking about how important names are to God.
I truly believe a deeper healing will come in this, greater than you imagined or hoped for.
I keep thinking about Isaiah 43:..
I know you love Isaiah…
My heart is with you!
Hugs,
Julie
Thank you Tiffany for sharing this very personal moment with us. It’s raw with emotion and deeply moving. I hope May 17th provides some closure for you as you move forward in this time of healing.
Tiffany~
Bless your SWEET heart…for being open, honest and transparent.
God see’s your heart…and he LOVES you…and he will ALWAYS forgive us.
I feel lead to share with you a few thoughts from my devotions this morning:
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I can bring good even out of your mistakes. Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret. This is a waste of time and energy, leading only to frustratino. Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me. Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.
Because you are human, you will continue to make mistakes. Thinking that you shoul live an error-free life is symptomatic of pride. Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empahty for other people in their weaknesses. Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on ME. I am able to bring beauty out of th emorass of your mistakes. Trust ME, and watch to see what I will do.”
Standing in the Gap for you…sweet…sweet…precious friend.
Kim~
Wow!! Tiffany I can’t tell you how much this post has touched me. My heart is breaking for you. I will pray for you as you deal with the realities of your past and embrace the grace of God moving forward.
Praying for you.
Healing is coming, my friend. I’m so glad the Lord spoke to you through all this and He gave you her name…Grace…God’s Righteousness At Christ’s Expense… He loves you and He’s covered you with mercy, grace and forgiveness.
I’ll be praying for you on Saturday.
And have a blessed Mother’s Day, Tiffany!
This brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could be there to share the moments. This session is not only going to find closure for yourself the whole experience speaks volumns to the many of those who have made the same choice you have. This sessions will also speak to those who may be coming up to make the right choice. I pray someone will give you a platform to speak to the many women to hear your story.(Bib)
This is my first time here. I pray God’s blessings on you in this time of reflection.
WOW – I don’t even know how I got here. I was just wasting time on the net and came across this. And What! an impact it has made on me. Definitely,through God’s Grace was I suppose to stumble across your testimony. I pray for you, Tiffany and your future healing, closure, happiness and for a fulfilling life, for you and your family.
Yes I will pray for you. You are quite strong to be going through this memorial of your own choice. I don’t know if I could do that. I can see how it will bring peace and closure tho. So again I will pray for you and I think it is a good thing.
Tiffany, I am grieving with you, and at the same time rejoicing in His “Grace” for you (and me). It is only our loving Lord that can make bitter experiences sweet. His blood covers all, and we are free.
Oh my, tears flow from my eyes with you-it could be my story as well. May He fill you with awareness of His Presence as you go…
Thank you ALL for your prayers, heartfelt thoughts, and comfort.
Through each one of you, I feel God’s love and mercy.
Thank you, Lord, for the words of comforters.
I’ve been going through the older posts I missed due to my fast. I am so sorry I wasn’t here for you. ((((Tiffany)))) Your pain is almost too much for me to bear. I love you. I am truly so sorry. I am praying for you.
Tiffany,
I saw your comment over at Lysa’s blog. Thank you for sharing…I know how you feel,I know were you’ve been. I had an abortion 18 years ago but through God’s love I too have found healing.
A few months ago God spoke to my heart and told me to write my story on my blog,My Secret Sin. God has doing amazing things since I have released my pain to Him and have started to share my story.
God is so good!