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Shame Destroys Self Image

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As I’m processing the shame I’ve dealt with much of my life, I see how much shame has affected my self image.

Just like an anorexic sees herself as fat when she is bone thin, I looked in my mirror and never measured up. It didn’t matter how many people complimented me. I didn’t believe them.

I wasn’t good enough.

Perfection (or better yet, unattainable beauty) was my goal.

I wanted to be beautiful and loved so badly. So when I found myself pregnant and unmarried, I hoped for the “married, happily ever after.” But that didn’t happen, instead I walked into an abortion clinic numb and did the unthinkable.

I walked out feeling betrayed by love. Hating myself and ashamed of that choice. I remember thinking to myself, “No one will ever tell me what to do with my body ever again.”

So I tried to move past the devastation the best I could. I wore a happy face in public places, often hiding my shame-filled heart.

As the months past I continued to wrestle with my self image. I wanted love. I decided one way to change how I felt about myself was to fix an area that I didn’t “measure up in.”

So on December 28th, 1990, I had surgery. Breast augmentation surgery.

Merry Christmas to me!

I assumed I would fix my outer issues and I would feel better. Instead this surgery added to my shame.

I looked in my mirror and thought, “Who am I now?”

Plastic perfection.

Fake.

I didn’t like what I saw. It wasn’t the real me.

Shame upon shame. Abortion, then plastic surgery. My marred image starring back at me.

***

Only by God’s grace have I found freedom from the messed me up. God continues to show me HE is enough.

God has revealed my true beauty.

And it’s NOT my bra size.

Sometimes I even catch glimpses of HIS heart in MY mirror.

There He reminds me He loves me.

The LORD appeared to us in the past,saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” Jeremiah 31:1-2

There He tells me I’m beautiful.

Let the king be enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord. Psalm 45:11

And I am undone.

He replaced my shame with sweet love.

Amazing grace.

(This is my first post about my breast implants. I speak to teen girls and women of ALL age and share my story. I know the desperate search for love and beauty. If you know of a place where I can share my story, please contact me.

After 20 years I have perspective. I’m not saying surgery is wrong for everyone. I just know for me it didn’t satisfy my longing. It led me to my true love. Jesus.

Plus I’m not a young twenty-something anymore. I’m in my 40’s now and I want to use my testimony to remind all women of what God sees in them. The world tells us we have to have a certain bra size to be beautiful. It’s a lie!!

I live to testify of a greater truth…)

Comments

  1. When I look in the mirror, I struggle with what I see. Not from shame, but from the effects of a few hard decisions I had to make recently. That being said, I do understand about “cover up”… about trying to make things seem as they are not.

    Shame is a gift from the enemy. He wraps it perfectly, coaching us that what’s inside is a good fit for a discouraged, weary heart. How often has I been willing to wrap shame around me like a warm comfort when all it accomplished was a deep chill to my bones! I love you, sweet friend, for dealing with this particular issue that plagues so many women. Regardless of the reasons behind our shame and our cover ups, the true and only answer is the blood of the cross.

    Christ is the perfect gift from the Father.

    peace~elaine

    • Elaine, I love you too friend. Your story heals mine. Thanks for adding some beautiful words about the truth..The answer is Christ alone!

  3. Hey Tiffany, Just getting to “know” you through your facebook posts. Thank you so much for getting real. I pray that God will use what the enemy meant for harm in your life to demolish the huge stronghold of shame and bring megaloads of women from all over the world to the saving knowledge and grace of Jesus Christ! You go Sister!

    • Hi Linda, You are such an encouragement to me right about now. Thank you for your comment. I have so much more real in me where this comes from. I’m praying for God to use ALL of HIS freed girls to help free others. It’s high time, don’t you think? I’m sick of the enemy’s head games. And I’m excited to see how God will continue to redeem us all.

      I love this verse in Galatians 5:1
      It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

  4. Sweet Tiffany, I’m so proud of your transparency and honesty. Thank you for exposing the lies of the enemy and showing how God heals, restores, and loves us no matter where we’ve been or what we’ve done. What an amazing, loving God we serve!

    Love and gentle hugs,
    Lisa

    • Thank you, Lisa. Thank you for walking this road with me. Your e-mails recently were a gentle healing balm. I thank God for you. You are precious in His sight and in mine. thanks for the gentle hugs, i receive them.

    • Thank you, Gloria. You always speak into my life with words that heal me. So for that, thank YOU.

    • praying for the confusion to lift. I hope you sense peace today. Hugs to you Kimberly